1) Real friends certainly let you be real. And the scene I frequent deeply frowns on unconsensual photography. Most of the events I go to they sticker all the cameras. I love that. I go there for the people not for Instagram.
That's not to say nobody takes pics but they do it in a quiet corner so they don't catch anyone by mistake. It makes it very respectful. The stickers are just a reminder so you don't just start flicking away when you're drunk. It makes everyone feel safer and more genuine.
2) I guess but nothing some quick ice breaking games won't fix
3) In a small town there's much more familiarity yes. But also a much deeper sense of being watched and judged. I can't live with that. Even the small city I lived in was too small for me. Everyone knows everyone's business and constantly gossip behind your back.
The nice thing in a big city is meeting new people and finding new places. And the variety. In a small town there's a lot of pressure to conform, eg often you're an outcast if you're not religious. I don't think they're bad but there's little acceptance of people who are different. So what do you do? Pretend. That's not real connection.
In a big city you can really be yourself because there's always others that are like you and you can meet them in like-minded places or events. And you can make real ties there. And even find out about other communities you might fit in.
I really hate going to male-exclusive places by the way. There's very few men I have a deep connection with (I'm male) because the whole BS thing that it's frowned upon to talk about feelings. "Men's weekends" just end up with too much beer, macho talk, shooting the shit and hanging in front of the TV watching boring sports or crappy porn. Nothing serious, fun or enlightening. That's my experience with those anyway. I find that exhausting and I always excuse myself from them now. I used to try to fit in but the others would know I hated it anyway so it was awkward.
I have much deeper relationships with lady friends. They're more open and less judgemental in general. I feel safer around them. So mixed events are a must for me.
Many. And I don't even mind but it's usually really bad porn. Also it's not like anyone does anything, they just sit there and pretend they're not interested or ignore it. It's really weird. Also a kind of macho thing I think. Anyway in Holland this is not uncommon.
I have nothing against pornography at all but I do have a minimum quality :) I like the more stylish stuff.
Though I prefer watching people in real life, I'm lucky to have some other friends who are into that too.
It sounds like when you say you go to "male specific" events, you have a very specific set of male-specific events in mind. I suspect the experiences you described earlier are less due to the male-ness of those present, and more simply a function of the social events you tend to go to?
Like, not that that's a bad thing- live your lice how you want- but complaints of "my complaint with all-male gatherings is that the collectively viewed pornography is of insufficiently high quality" are not necessarily the most relatable.
That wasn't the only complaint :) It was more the overall uninterested feel and senseless macho behavior that maybe they have pent up being with the wife or something and they need to act the tool to justify their manhood. Or to forget the day to day family routine or something. Most of the time they sit around bored.
What my friends don't know is that I'm pretty 'liberal'. And I don't have this pent up need for horseplay. I get enough of the more real kind of play :) I just felt so out of sync. It's just so senseless and not enjoyable at all.
The kind of event is pretty common in Holland. It's a pretty typical thing for male friends to go off for a weekend once a year or so in a cabin somewhere. I've done it with several different groups.
> In a big city you can really be yourself because there's always others that
> are like you and you can meet them in like-minded places.
> And you can make real ties there.
This is a massive assumption, but maybe 'yourself' is limited to a standard deviation from the accepted mean.
Well yes of course there's a maximum deviation. If you're too different you won't fit in. Not a bad thing because then there's no real point in being there anyway.
That's why you have to pick the communities you engage in so you fit. You don't have to change yourself but you pick the community to suit.
It's not an assumption though. I live in a city of millions and I'm in some communities of only hundreds of people. Which thrive and even have their own places. That's the nice thing, in a city it's easy to have enough scale even to make niche communities thrive.
What's the majority? There's so much difference in people. There's the IT/intellectual worker and there's blue collar workers, there's sport fans and book enthusiasts, there's religious communities and lgbt-friendly ones. All examples of dualities that are common to some degree but don't have so much overlap in interests.
In my experience social settings work a lot better when they're a bit more specific. Like, about something. And there's not really one majority that fits all. In the US even the two major parties are extremely polarised and yet they are about equal in size.
Queer nightclubs - Berghain and FOLD (London) e.g.
Some parties I occasionally go to in London have a “we really really don’t want you to use your phone on the dance floor and will tell you off” policy.
Like te_chris says, they're the more expressive parties. The "embrace different" ones. Not specifically queer in my case but certainly queer friendly.
Not necessarily as extreme as Berghain mind you. But just places and events where people are encouraged to dress or behave less typical.
Even the cosplay community now has signs to always ask before photographing a cosplayer as they might not want to be photographed without their knowledge.
That's not to say nobody takes pics but they do it in a quiet corner so they don't catch anyone by mistake. It makes it very respectful. The stickers are just a reminder so you don't just start flicking away when you're drunk. It makes everyone feel safer and more genuine.
2) I guess but nothing some quick ice breaking games won't fix
3) In a small town there's much more familiarity yes. But also a much deeper sense of being watched and judged. I can't live with that. Even the small city I lived in was too small for me. Everyone knows everyone's business and constantly gossip behind your back.
The nice thing in a big city is meeting new people and finding new places. And the variety. In a small town there's a lot of pressure to conform, eg often you're an outcast if you're not religious. I don't think they're bad but there's little acceptance of people who are different. So what do you do? Pretend. That's not real connection.
In a big city you can really be yourself because there's always others that are like you and you can meet them in like-minded places or events. And you can make real ties there. And even find out about other communities you might fit in.
I really hate going to male-exclusive places by the way. There's very few men I have a deep connection with (I'm male) because the whole BS thing that it's frowned upon to talk about feelings. "Men's weekends" just end up with too much beer, macho talk, shooting the shit and hanging in front of the TV watching boring sports or crappy porn. Nothing serious, fun or enlightening. That's my experience with those anyway. I find that exhausting and I always excuse myself from them now. I used to try to fit in but the others would know I hated it anyway so it was awkward.
I have much deeper relationships with lady friends. They're more open and less judgemental in general. I feel safer around them. So mixed events are a must for me.