I have a sense of guilt when I compare myself to my high school friends who have to work longer, work harder, and get paid significantly less. They are just as smart, they just made different choices. And this sense of guilt and of feeling like I don't deserve it just compounds the imposter syndrome to the point I can't even enjoy what I have because I think that at any moment I'll be "discovered" and lose everything. I think it stems from my inability to appreciate what I have because I have this instinctive belief that if I let myself, then something will happen for whatever reason.
Now that I wrote this I realize it has little to do with the original article (which I read, both parts actually), but hopefully someone has some good advice, so I don't have to resort to quitting and going to an Amazon FC to feel better about myself.
I have had this experience. Sometimes its important to remember that money is just a proxy. For example, I have paid for 10 friends from High School to spend a week in a 3,000 SQ FT cabin in Colorado and just relax.
I'm going to say a few things that I normally wouldn't, just to better illustrate my point. A few of my friends make less than $30k a year. One is 1st grade teacher (male) and one is a full time math tutor. They are great people who go to work and make a difference. I wouldn't feel the same if they just laid on their couch and drank everyday...but still.
Remember money is really for experiences. I paid for the Cabin, 10 sking passes and sent each of them $2,000 for the trip to cover air fairs and transportation.
The whole thing was maybe $30,000 and it's one of my better memories.
I would say -- be intentionally generous and look for ways to help your life long friends. Yes, it helps them. Yes, it helps you too. You would be shocked how much purpose it brings to your life.
Most 40 year olds have less than 2 people in their life that would lend them $10k. Be that friend and never keep track.
This is the reason you work hard and are paid more than you should be - to be a better friend than you otherwise would be able to be.
Out of curiosity, did this create any weird dynamics with your friends, or expectations for the future? Also, how did you decide how much to give everyone? If one person makes $80k and one makes $30k, did you send the same amount to everyone?
Thanks for sharing your experience. Sounds like a blast!
I sent he same amount to everyone. Its funny because those with no money, really appreciate it but they dont want to be a burden. They really couldn't come without it. I know it and I dont want money to be the reason and I dont want them to have to acknowledge it at all.
Those with money are surprised. " I know Ben needs some help, but you really didn't need to get mine too?". In someways I think it blessed one who is well off ( maybe makes $175k ). He said he couldn't remember the last time someone paid for something above $100 for him. He was genuinely touched.
I have done a few different versions of this trip. I also went deep sea fishing and to Yellowstone national park of which I paid for those as well.
The only potentially weird dynamic is that I get emails from time to time from that group suggesting our "next big adventure" and usually it's implied I am paying, but it hasn't been that weird really.
I believe I've done 6 trips. I always pay for the lodging and have paid for the flights a few times and maybe half the food.
For me, If Im going to work hard and sometimes alone on projects that are hard to feel the sense of purpose in a practical way, I like the idea that once a year I do a family vacation and once a year I try to do a good friend trip. I put usually one picture in my room next to my computer as a reminder of how what I'm doing makes a practical difference.
My friends absolutely love it. Most adults ( myself included) have such little time weekly for relationships. Its just much more important that we tell ourselves. You think friends aren't important, until something bad happens. That's when you realize work isn't the most important thing.
hope the story helps.
invest in your friends -- be a giver in a world of takers.
> They are just as smart, they just made different choices.
Most people fall within a similar range of intelligence, and where they end up in life is far more a result of the choices they made than how smart they are. So you made a bunch of choices, like learning tech, etc, and they made a bunch of choices, like maybe partying instead of studying, and now you get to enjoy the rewards.
You shouldn’t feel guilty about that, you earned it by making better choices.
I don't think guilt is helpful, but this logic has some issues. You obviously cannot have everyone be a coder. And becoming a coder takes many intervening steps of which choices are only one factor. Being born in a developed country (heck only the US has those truly insane salaries), having a natural interest for it, having universities and the means to study, living in a safe home etc. these are all unearned yet make up 90% of the end result.
The feeling should be that they deserve more, not that you deserve less. It's not that you're an imposter, it's that they need to be "discovered" and given more. Or they should go make different choices if they want. Nonetheless, while they "give up" some things, they gain other things with their choices, which you don't have. For example, they might have clear work hours, they might not take work home mentally, they might have more time with the family, etc.
This may not feel like a serious enough problem, but paying someone (like a therapist) to listen and advise can really help clarify one’s thinking. Lots of therapists meet virtually now too.
Now that I wrote this I realize it has little to do with the original article (which I read, both parts actually), but hopefully someone has some good advice, so I don't have to resort to quitting and going to an Amazon FC to feel better about myself.